I’ve been in a mind-blowing relationship since late April. We live about 14 minutes apart. I have not been to his home until last night. We’ve been primarily hanging out in my home, which he told me is the nicer place/space. I’ve been poking him to invite me to his home, and he has good reasons why that hasn’t happened thus far.
A few days ago I became very angry because I rode my bike so very close to his house and he met me somewhere else. The anger incident was interesting for me inside, the way I watched it and didn’t respond to the mind’s various impulses. I simply said ‘I didn’t want to meet you here’ and rode away. However, it sucked for me when I learned how much it affected him. He told me he was disappointed because he had several deeply loving and lovely ideas for how we would spend our short a.m. time together. But it hurt him very much, also. And that hurt me very much, also.
I dropped my desire to see his home. My love for this Man is all-pervading and I would do anything if I could never hurt him again. Last night we went to his home as it was naturally part of our evening meanderings. He wondered ‘what do you think?’ i think because he had a lot of things, more than fit comfortably in the space; and other reasons. I wasn’t thinking. I was just so happy to behold some of his beautiful things, included a painting that he painted.
Perhaps the highlight was a cat he’s been caring for for some time. This cat’s coloring floored me: white, tan, beige, brown ~ soft marble. But the way he held her in his arms, and the way she relaxed and purred. The site was beauty, pure raw and rare. The way the cat relaxed and purred, that’s how I feel around him. And recently, that’s how I feel often whether we’re together or not.
This man loves me. It’s been a pretty all-pervasive experience. It feels like Krsna loving me exactly how I need to be loved in order to be truly free or liberated. Since I’ve been hanging out with this Man, my mind has been blown over and over again. This is the goal of all Yoga practices and spiritual endeavors. To have our mind relaxed to such extent that thinking (pretty much) ceases. Alas, hallelujah.
…now I bow my head and beg Lord Vishnu for Sustaining Grace. Because this kind of experience could last, and/or it could wane.